Saturday, 28 November, 2009

I'd say it's kind of funny!






If there's one thing in my life that I have learned, it's that no matter how close you are to a person, he or she will use you. They will ring you out, juice you dry, till they have taken every opportunity to use you. Let me give you some examples.

There are some people you have never spoken to (and thanked your lucky stars) since school, and 5 years later, they add you on facebook. You 'peh' and 'meh' and add them, and for months, you will have no conversations, even on facebook.

Then one fine day, these long lost friends will ping you on the facebook chat, and have a conversation like this:

Friend: Hey!
Me: Oh Hi! (Why's he talking to me?)
F: Remember me?
M: Of course I do! (How can I forget those days when you bullied me to death!?)
F: Long time, huh?
M: Yeah.... (I wish it were longer)
F: So, what you doing these days?
M: Working at XYZ (*yawn*)
F: Oh cool!!! It's located at ABC, right?
M: Yeah... (ok where's this going?)
F: Do you know if there are any openings for an (insert educational field here) graduate?
M: Nope (I KNEW it!! Why else would he talk to me?)
F: Can you find out? Also, can you find out the pay package for a fresher?
M: I wouldn't know (EFF YOU!)

And then there are those, who are kind of friends, but only talk to you if they have some work to be done. They begin conversations with some formality, which soon leads to me having to do some work for them.

Friend: Hey beautiful!
Me: Hey gorgeous!!
F: How are you?
M: I'm good, you?
F: I'm fine yaar..how's life?
M: All good! You tell me?
F: Sab changa hai!
M: Chalo good.
F: So, what's your take on pink nail polish?
M: What?!!!
F: Yeah! I'm doing this article on pink nail polish....just wanted your opinion..
M: Uhh...ok..well..I think pink nail polish is (15 minutes of typing)
F: Cool, thanks. Chall I'm busy now, talk to you later.
M: Ok. (GRRRRRRRRRRRR :x)

Then there are the blatant ones, who don't even do the formality, and get right down to business.

Friend: Hey
Me: Hi
F: Have some work.
M: What?
F: Can you upload that video of yours on my blog?
M: Oh HELL no.
F: Why?
M: First off all, you didn't even ask me how I'm doing. Secondly, I don't want to.
F: Ok. Bye.
M: Bye.

The point is, if you let anyone use you, they WILL use you. I have a hard time saying 'No' to people, I guess it's the spirit of helping people out in me. Maybe I should try using others now..You...do me a favor, will ya? Comment on this post!

(P.S. I mean no offense to ANYONE in this post. Just sharing some anecdotes I'm sure most people go through!)

Thursday, 26 November, 2009

Today is 26/11

Imagine

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

-John Lennon

Thursday, 19 November, 2009

But that's just me!



I'm not the best looker.
I'm big and broad.
I have big feet,
And I'm kind of loud.

My clothes aren't the best.
They don't fit me well.
Strangers stare at me,
And I don't feel so swell.

My body makes noises.
I can't control.
To a thousand gyms,
I have enrolled.

I have many friends.
Who love me as I am.
They always lift my mood,
When I'm feeling Wham.

Whenever I'm low.
Whenever I'm crappy.
I look into the mirror,
And I always get happy.

I am not perfect.
But neither are you.
So let me live my life,
And you live your life too.

Life is too small.
So be who you are.
Be happy in your skin,
And take this with you far!

Sunday, 15 November, 2009

Some life lessons



Everyone around you, and maybe even you, use the term "LIFE SUCKS!" (sometimes LYF SUX). Till some point of time, I used to believe the same. Nothing was going right for me, and my answer to everything was, "Life sucks!"

At some stage of my life, I got this epiphany. And I realised this: The more I believe life sucks, the more it will suck. If I change my point of view, if I believe that everything happens for a reason, I know that everything will turn out right. There are two reasons for my epiphany: 1. The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, 2. Hannah Montana (Life's what you make it, so let's make it rock!)

So I learned a lot. And I changed my point of view. And with this blog post, I want to just share a few life lessons I have learned personally:

1. If you ever feel like doing something, just do it. You wanna dance in the middle of the road? Do it. You want to wear a certain type of clothing? Do it. You wanna sing, even if it is out of key? Do it. Never be afraid of the world laughing at you, because no matter what you do, there will always be someone who will mock you. So think of it this way, when you know you're going to be laughed at, why not do what you wish to do? You only get this life once -- live it the way you want to!

2. You are beautiful. Short, tall, fat, skinny -- you are beautiful. Beauty is such a subjective term, isn't it? The standards of beauty that society (Indian society in general) claims for people is so twisted, that it would probably take a lifetime supply of Fair and Lovely to get you to look like those models in the ads. It is a cliche line, but true at the same time: beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Think about it yourself - would you rather be someone you are not to try and appease to the shallow standards of society, or be happy and content in your own skin? The more you try to impress someone, the more miserable you will be.

3. Don't blame God for your failures. If you're an atheist, this point is invalid, but if you do believe in God, stop blaming Her for your failures. You're in this world for a reason. Every action you do has a purpose behind it. You may not realise it now, but God has a plan for you. She listens to everyone, She listens to all your prayers. So even if you fall, rise up, consider it a challenge for God herself. And remember - never give up.

4. Listen to your mom. She is ALWAYS right. Your mom has seen life way more than you have, and there is no other person who can give you better advice than she can. So unless your mom is a hooker and a raging alcoholic who sells drugs on the side, listen to what she has to say. Take her advice, and it may just work for you!

5. Believe in a better life. If you think your life is bad, then that's what you will see around you -- a bad life. But if you change your view, think positive thoughts, you will start to notice positive things around you. When I say there is power in positive thinking, trust me, it works. Try this once -- before going anywhere, say to yourself 'There will be no traffic jams today', and believe it. Then stop thinking about the traffic completely. And then see what happens. I do this everyday, and I always manage to reach work on time. Try with the small things, and then work your way to the bigger ones. Remember - if you think positively, only positive things will happen. (This does not mean saying 'I'm POSITIVE I'll fail! ;) )

And that's it -- 5 life lessons from the Iggy. Maybe I should start some self-help sessions!! Who's with me? ;)

Tuesday, 10 November, 2009

Ek Auto story



Aaja meri gaadi me baith ja!

People from Bombay, come gather around, for I am about to teach you a lesson about the auto driver. Even if you're not from Bombay, pay attention. This information might come in handy some day.

The Bombay rickshaw driver comes in a variety of race, religions and species. I have divided these rickshaw drivers in several categories. They are as follows:

  1. The Angry One: This specie of rickshaw drivers is a frustrated soul. He has had several anger management issues; one that tops the list is being called 'bhaiyya'. So this bhaiyya ji...err...rickshaw driver takes his anger out on the road. They will drive at breakneck speeds (passengers can literally break their necks sitting in this rickshaw), honk endlessly, spew countless swear words, and remove their misery on the other travelers. This specie is very likely to get into physical fights with other drivers who they crash into, mainly BEST bus drivers (who are a different specie all together!)
  2. The Drunkard: The name is self-explanatory, isn't it? This is a sub-specie of 'The Angry One', and they prefer to drown their misery in a bottle of 'desi tharra' and then rule the road. It's easy to spot this specie, since you can smell the alcohol all the way from China. Their speech is slurred, they drive loopily, and are once again, very likely to get into accidents. They might even start talking to you, crying or laughing. If you value your life, don't travel by this auto.
  3. The Yapper: If this specie gets a chance at an alternate career, he would love to host a talk show. Where only he talks. Yappers open their mouth the moment you sit in the auto, and shut up the moment you get off. They don't need you to initiate the conversation; they can pretty much begin on their own, starting with their favorite dialogue: "Aaj traffic bahut zyada hai!" They then move on to topics ranging from Himes bhai's new moojic, to discussing the nuances of Marxist theories. They are so apt at speaking; they will continue talking even if your ears are plugged to your music player. It is very hard to notice a Yapper from afar, so if you wish to avoid this situation, best keep your mouth shut in all your future rickshaw rides.
  4. The Dhinchak: This specie loves his ride. They love it so much; they take it on their onus to decorate it with every loud and garish item possible. Both sides of the passenger seat will have images of Bollywood beauties, looking at you lustily. Their stereos will be complete with surround sound, sub woofers, and what not. They are Himes bhai's biggest patrons, and they will play his music extremely loud, till the point where blood seeps out through your ears. They will have the customary "Tum kab wapas aaoge" sticker on their rear-view mirror (which is, of course, only a decorative commodity!) There will also be a porn movie blue light which will shine throughout the ride. Fresh flowers, plastic flowers, agarbattis, pepsi bottles filled with black shiny liquid, you will find them all in a Dhinchak's ride. If you appreciate Indian kitsch, hitch a ride.
  5. The Asshole: This is the worst of the specie. They take personal pleasure in making the ride a hellish experience for the passenger. They tamper with the meters, making them run at a speed of Rs. 5 per second. They letch at the female passengers, stop in the middle of the road to talk on their cellphones, spit all over Bombay, deliberately drive over pot holes to make the ride extra bumpy, fake a tyre puncture if they don't want to ply beyond a certain point...I can go on and on! These leeches think they can get away with anything, and 90% of the time, they do. If you get the slightest indication that the auto driver belongs to the Asshole category, leave immediately or get ready for a back breaking ride, where you will be cheated off of your hard earned money.
  6. The Millionaire: This parasitic specie makes its presence felt in all the auto drivers categories. These are a super rich specie...they are even richer than the Tatas and the Ambanis! They feel like they people of Bombay rely completely on their services. But they are so rich, they don't even bother. Auto driving is a hobby for them, a mere sport. That's why they blatantly refuse passengers who ask them to go to a certain location. Even if they fall on their feet and beg the specie to allow them a ride, they will just raise their noses high and speed off. On a good day, if they feel like it, they tauntingly agree to ply the passenger. You should consider yourself super lucky if the Millionaire allows you a ride.
  7. The Honest One: Rarest of the rare! The chances of getting into an auto driven by the Honest one are one in a billion. They don't tamper with the meters, so you don't end up paying exorbitant rates. They drive at a normal pace, follow traffic rules, don't talk much, and help you with loading luggage, if need be. The chances of finding the Honest One are rare, since it's an endangered specie. Slowly, the other six species of auto drivers are luring the Honest One to join the dark side. In the rare occasion you do land up in an Honest One's ride, please thank your lucky stars you got to see one before they disappear completely.
So there you go kids. Today you learnt about the seven species of auto drivers.

Tomorrow, how to eat daal-chawal at your office desk without making a mess.

Cheers!

Monday, 2 November, 2009

Badla!


Gah! Why the heck did I come here?

Have you ever been on a trip where you ended up thinking "Damn, I wish I hadn't gone?" Have you ever had a most pathetic trip experience? If you're one of the lucky ones whose trips have always been successes, I applaud you, and also beg you to take me along in your future trips. For the unfortunate ones like myself, read on, and empathize!

[Don't worry, I'm not talking about my Dandeli trip here. Dandeli was a blast. I want to write at length about it, that's why I have been stalling for so long!]

This particular horrid trip experience I would like to share with you happened during a 3-day visit to, hold your breath people, Badlapur. For those who don't know, Badlapur is in the Thane district of Maharashtra. In the balmy Bombay winters of 2001, our school decided to torture the 10th grade kids further by taking them to this place, by making it a compulsory attendance activity.

My parents had never allowed me to go to any school trips. And I was so excited for Badlapur, since it would be the first time I would be on my own, and my very first class trip. I happily packed all my stuff, put the film in my Kodak camera, and I was set to go! Boy, was I in store of a heck of an experience.

The journey began where we traveled to Badlapur via our school buses (!). Our principal warned us beforehand: "You must address the guides as sir, and not by their first names. Even if they tell you too. You must not give them your phone numbers. You must not be alone with them." She could have just made it short and said "We are not liable if one of you gets raped in this trip."

So there we were, all excited and stuff. I was up to my usual ass-licking the so-called popular kids, so that maybe they would give me some company during the trip. I whipped out my Kodak cam and shot a photo of the popular peeps (Maybe now they'll like me!) But it wouldn't click. Maybe it was jammed. Like the genius photographer I was then, I opened up the panel, exposing the film to sunlight. I wound it back again. But this time, the film just would not come out of the roll. Great. So I practically have no Badlapur memories to store (Thank God for that!)

We reached Badlapur in a matter of 3 hours. The girls with the trolley bags were ragged severely by the teachers (?) "Oh you're some model or what, carrying luggage like that". While I dragged my humble suitcase through the rocky terrain, I could see lines and lines of camp sites with huge tents pitched. So I guess this is where we'll be staying. It should be fun, roughing it!

All of us excitedly put our luggage near our cots. I was given the very last cot, furthest from the girls, closest to the bathroom. Oh well. I continued my ass-licking by actually offering to mist the girl's faces with this amazing mist my dad had given to me as a present. But of course, they refused. We don't use stuff like that for our grade-A skin. Oh la-di-dah! Of course, we were all in puberty, and most girls had severe acne. But, who was I to argue!

It was smooth sailing so far, when all of a sudden, we heard loud shrills coming from outside the tent. The camp instructor stood there, saying "Ok kids, time for Karate practice!" WTF? Karate? I had the most bemused look on my face as I trotted behind my classmates to the common area, where a gentleman stood, waiting to give us Karate practice. We stood in neat rows, and I was, as usual, the last person on the row. I am thankful for that, since I was wearing the tightest pants in the history of the world. As we attempted controlling our laughter over the gentleman's "Hoos and Haas", the Karate session continued. Air kicks, punches, jabs, we did it all. It was quite a grueling session.

In the evening, we were given orders to wake up at 6, as we will be going on trek. Sounded fine, I guess. We'd get to see some nature, fresh air, and the like! And we were given the warning to be there at 6 am sharp, or get punishment. Well, nice holiday, indeed! I was out of my tent at 6 am sharp, waiting for the others to show up. Slowly, everyone assembled. And the ones who were late had to do push ups. On their knuckles. Did I hear someone say military camp?

As you would have guessed by now, I used to be a very smart person. I decided to wear the tight pants again for the trek. Which, by the way, turned out not to be a trek at all. The guides made us run on an uphill climb. If life wasn't humiliating for us already, the fatties like me who were lagging behind were hit on their asses by a stick. Lovely. And then their was the run back down, which was fairly easy.

Post shower, I felt some uneasiness. I checked out my thighs - they were full of painful red bumps. I hollered, and cried, and screamed in pain. And since I was sooo popular, everyone attended to my beck and calls. In my dreams, of course! Then happened a 'river crossing' activity, which had no river. The students had to climb a ladder, hang upside down and cross to the other ladder. Fun. I didn't partake in this activity, since I didn't want the kids to have another reason to laugh at me.

To conclude this exciting trip, on the last day we were taken to a water purification plant so we could see how water is purified. Wow. Just what a 15 year old gets excited over. The happiest part of the trip for me was the ride back home. Mummy, I missed you!

Now, I am not dissing Badlapur. It's a nice place to visit. I'm dissing my stupid trip, with stupid memories!

Do you have any such stories to share?! Post a comment, I would love to know!

Photo courtesy: Gettyimages