Few Facts about Fat People

As the spokesperson for all fat people in the universe, I believe it is my duty to inform all you skinny/regular people of the very essential facts about fat people. These are things you probably never knew about us, but it is of utmost importance that you do. Why? Look around you. Every second person is overweight or obese. Pretty soon, you will be too. So please pay attention, for I am about to tell you the things a fat person hates to hear and do.


A. Hear

1. Nothing, and I mean nothing, angers us more than when a skinny girl says "OMG! I have to loose 5 kgs! My weight has gone up to 45kgs! Ugh..I feel so faaatttt!". Have you ever felt a dhai kilo ka haath across your face, bitch? No? Well, now is a good time to start then. FATAAAK!

2. When someone gives us diet/exercise tips, we feel like ripping the person's head to half. We have not asked you to give us any advice, so why do you want to anger a fat person? Remember the dhai kilo ka haath? It applies here too.

3. When you compare other fat people to us. "I have a friend, she's about twice your size...She's sooooo faaat!" What the hell? Are we a benchmark against whom you compare other fat people too? What if I told you I have a friend who's twice more uglier than you? Would you like that?

4. When you say fat people are generally a violent race. Okay, so point 1 and 2 of this may not be helping my case, but really, fat people are not at all violent. Look at us, will you? By the time we raise our fists to punch you silly, we'll be too tired and give up. So no, I am not joining your Antakshari team because you think I will hit every member of the other team just 'cause they're cheating.

5. We hate it when our friends (sweet as they are) call us 'sexy', 'hot', or 'da bomb'. Oh sweeties, you really are too kind. Too, too kind.

6. We hate it when people call us 'fat' or other words which mean 'fat'. And we don't hate it 'cause we feel hurt by the said words. No, no. We hate it cause it's the most unoriginal way to hurt a fat person. You're telling me I'm fat. So? Is that supposed to hurt me? cause I kinda already knew that. Come on, a little originality please!

7. We hate it when a skinny girl says "I eat sooooooooo much...yet I don't gain even one gram of weight." Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Don't smite a fat person. Trust me.

B. Do

1. Fat people hate all kinds of physical activity. We hate the mere thought of going to the gym. If it were up to us, we'd prefer not to move at all. The Sloth's life is the life for us!

2. We hate going clothes shopping. Apparently, clothes manufacturers still believe there are no fat people in this world. We hate trying on clothes, and hate it even more when they don't fit. We hate looking at size zero, as we shriek in disbelief, "How can people be so skinny!" We, however, love shoe and makeup shopping. One size -does- fit all.

3. We hate eating in public. Most people think our eating capacity compares to a blue whale that has been hungry for 5 days. It might be true for some of us, but most of us have quite normal appetites, in fact we may eat even less than skinny people. Whenever we eat in public, we feel our food is under scanner from the people around us. Stare at your own food, fools!

4. Continuing from point 1, we hate all adventure sports. Our bodies are just not meant for 10 mile hikes, or climbing the Himalayas. When we can watch Himalayas on Discovery Channel (now in HD!), sipping on our cokes, why should we make an effort to climb it? We really really don't have an adventurers spirit, so don't even bother.

5. We hate taking photographs with skinny people. We don't like the fat-skinny contrast, cause it makes us feel even fatter. It is definitely an ego boost for the skinny person, but not us...sorry!

That's it I guess. This was the list of what a life is like for a fat person, and all its irritants. We basically hate everyone and everything, and would like you all to leave us alone.

Ok? Thank you. Bye!

*poof*

I'd say it's kind of funny!

If there's one thing in my life that I have learned, it's that no matter how close you are to a person, he or she will use you. They will ring you out, juice you dry, till they have taken every opportunity to use you. Let me give you some examples.

There are some people you have never spoken to (and thanked your lucky stars) since school, and 5 years later, they add you on facebook. You 'peh' and 'meh' and add them, and for months, you will have no conversations, even on facebook.

Then one fine day, these long lost friends will ping you on the facebook chat, and have a conversation like this:

Friend: Hey!
Me: Oh Hi! (Why's he talking to me?)
F: Remember me?
M: Of course I do! (How can I forget those days when you bullied me to death!?)
F: Long time, huh?
M: Yeah.... (I wish it were longer)
F: So, what you doing these days?
M: Working at XYZ (*yawn*)
F: Oh cool!!! It's located at ABC, right?
M: Yeah... (ok where's this going?)
F: Do you know if there are any openings for an (insert educational field here) graduate?
M: Nope (I KNEW it!! Why else would he talk to me?)
F: Can you find out? Also, can you find out the pay package for a fresher?
M: I wouldn't know (EFF YOU!)

And then there are those, who are kind of friends, but only talk to you if they have some work to be done. They begin conversations with some formality, which soon leads to me having to do some work for them.

Friend: Hey beautiful!
Me: Hey gorgeous!!
F: How are you?
M: I'm good, you?
F: I'm fine yaar..how's life?
M: All good! You tell me?
F: Sab changa hai!
M: Chalo good.
F: So, what's your take on pink nail polish?
M: What?!!!
F: Yeah! I'm doing this article on pink nail polish....just wanted your opinion..
M: Uhh...ok..well..I think pink nail polish is (15 minutes of typing)
F: Cool, thanks. Chall I'm busy now, talk to you later.
M: Ok. (GRRRRRRRRRRRR :x)

Then there are the blatant ones, who don't even do the formality, and get right down to business.

Friend: Hey
Me: Hi
F: Have some work.
M: What?
F: Can you upload that video of yours on my blog?
M: Oh HELL no.
F: Why?
M: First off all, you didn't even ask me how I'm doing. Secondly, I don't want to.
F: Ok. Bye.
M: Bye.

The point is, if you let anyone use you, they WILL use you. I have a hard time saying 'No' to people, I guess it's the spirit of helping people out in me. Maybe I should try using others now..You...do me a favor, will ya? Comment on this post!

(P.S. I mean no offense to ANYONE in this post. Just sharing some anecdotes I'm sure most people go through!)

Ek Auto story

Aaja meri gaadi me baith ja!

People from Bombay, come gather around, for I am about to teach you a lesson about the auto driver. Even if you're not from Bombay, pay attention. This information might come in handy some day.

The Bombay rickshaw driver comes in a variety of race, religions and species. I have divided these rickshaw drivers in several categories. They are as follows:

1. The Angry One: This specie of rickshaw drivers is a frustrated soul. He has had several anger management issues; one that tops the list is being called 'bhaiyya'. So this bhaiyya ji...err...rickshaw driver takes his anger out on the road. They will drive at breakneck speeds (passengers can literally break their necks sitting in this rickshaw), honk endlessly, spew countless swear words, and remove their misery on the other travelers. This specie is very likely to get into physical fights with other drivers who they crash into, mainly BEST bus drivers (who are a different specie all together!)
2. The Drunkard: The name is self-explanatory, isn't it? This is a sub-specie of 'The Angry One', and they prefer to drown their misery in a bottle of 'desi tharra' and then rule the road. It's easy to spot this specie, since you can smell the alcohol all the way from China. Their speech is slurred, they drive loopily, and are once again, very likely to get into accidents. They might even start talking to you, crying or laughing. If you value your life, don't travel by this auto.
3. The Yapper: If this specie gets a chance at an alternate career, he would love to host a talk show. Where only he talks. Yappers open their mouth the moment you sit in the auto, and shut up the moment you get off. They don't need you to initiate the conversation; they can pretty much begin on their own, starting with their favorite dialogue: "Aaj traffic bahut zyada hai!" They then move on to topics ranging from Himes bhai's new moojic, to discussing the nuances of Marxist theories. They are so apt at speaking; they will continue talking even if your ears are plugged to your music player. It is very hard to notice a Yapper from afar, so if you wish to avoid this situation, best keep your mouth shut in all your future rickshaw rides.
4. The Dhinchak: This specie loves his ride. They love it so much; they take it on their onus to decorate it with every loud and garish item possible. Both sides of the passenger seat will have images of Bollywood beauties, looking at you lustily. Their stereos will be complete with surround sound, sub woofers, and what not. They are Himes bhai's biggest patrons, and they will play his music extremely loud, till the point where blood seeps out through your ears. They will have the customary "Tum kab wapas aaoge" sticker on their rear-view mirror (which is, of course, only a decorative commodity!) There will also be a porn movie blue light which will shine throughout the ride. Fresh flowers, plastic flowers, agarbattis, pepsi bottles filled with black shiny liquid, you will find them all in a Dhinchak's ride. If you appreciate Indian kitsch, hitch a ride.
5. The Asshole: This is the worst of the specie. They take personal pleasure in making the ride a hellish experience for the passenger. They tamper with the meters, making them run at a speed of Rs. 5 per second. They letch at the female passengers, stop in the middle of the road to talk on their cellphones, spit all over Bombay, deliberately drive over pot holes to make the ride extra bumpy, fake a tyre puncture if they don't want to ply beyond a certain point...I can go on and on! These leeches think they can get away with anything, and 90% of the time, they do. If you get the slightest indication that the auto driver belongs to the Asshole category, leave immediately or get ready for a back breaking ride, where you will be cheated off of your hard earned money.
6. The Millionaire: This parasitic specie makes its presence felt in all the auto drivers categories. These are a super rich specie...they are even richer than the Tatas and the Ambanis! They feel like they people of Bombay rely completely on their services. But they are so rich, they don't even bother. Auto driving is a hobby for them, a mere sport. That's why they blatantly refuse passengers who ask them to go to a certain location. Even if they fall on their feet and beg the specie to allow them a ride, they will just raise their noses high and speed off. On a good day, if they feel like it, they tauntingly agree to ply the passenger. You should consider yourself super lucky if the Millionaire allows you a ride.
7. The Honest One: Rarest of the rare! The chances of getting into an auto driven by the Honest one are one in a billion. They don't tamper with the meters, so you don't end up paying exorbitant rates. They drive at a normal pace, follow traffic rules, don't talk much, and help you with loading luggage, if need be. The chances of finding the Honest One are rare, since it's an endangered specie. Slowly, the other six species of auto drivers are luring the Honest One to join the dark side. In the rare occasion you do land up in an Honest One's ride, please thank your lucky stars you got to see one before they disappear completely.

So there you go kids. Today you learnt about the seven species of auto drivers.

Tomorrow, how to eat daal-chawal at your office desk without making a mess.

Cheers!

Badla!

Gah! Why the heck did I come here?

Have you ever been on a trip where you ended up thinking "Damn, I wish I hadn't gone?" Have you ever had a most pathetic trip experience? If you're one of the lucky ones whose trips have always been successes, I applaud you, and also beg you to take me along in your future trips. For the unfortunate ones like myself, read on, and empathize!

[Don't worry, I'm not talking about my Dandeli trip here. Dandeli was a blast. I want to write at length about it, that's why I have been stalling for so long!]

This particular horrid trip experience I would like to share with you happened during a 3-day visit to, hold your breath people, Badlapur. For those who don't know, Badlapur is in the Thane district of Maharashtra. In the balmy Bombay winters of 2001, our school decided to torture the 10th grade kids further by taking them to this place, by making it a compulsory attendance activity.

My parents had never allowed me to go to any school trips. And I was so excited for Badlapur, since it would be the first time I would be on my own, and my very first class trip. I happily packed all my stuff, put the film in my Kodak camera, and I was set to go! Boy, was I in store of a heck of an experience.

The journey began where we traveled to Badlapur via our school buses (!). Our principal warned us beforehand: "You must address the guides as sir, and not by their first names. Even if they tell you too. You must not give them your phone numbers. You must not be alone with them." She could have just made it short and said "We are not liable if one of you gets raped in this trip."

So there we were, all excited and stuff. I was up to my usual ass-licking the so-called popular kids, so that maybe they would give me some company during the trip. I whipped out my Kodak cam and shot a photo of the popular peeps (Maybe now they'll like me!) But it wouldn't click. Maybe it was jammed. Like the genius photographer I was then, I opened up the panel, exposing the film to sunlight. I wound it back again. But this time, the film just would not come out of the roll. Great. So I practically have no Badlapur memories to store (Thank God for that!)

We reached Badlapur in a matter of 3 hours. The girls with the trolley bags were ragged severely by the teachers (?) "Oh you're some model or what, carrying luggage like that". While I dragged my humble suitcase through the rocky terrain, I could see lines and lines of camp sites with huge tents pitched. So I guess this is where we'll be staying. It should be fun, roughing it!

All of us excitedly put our luggage near our cots. I was given the very last cot, furthest from the girls, closest to the bathroom. Oh well. I continued my ass-licking by actually offering to mist the girl's faces with this amazing mist my dad had given to me as a present. But of course, they refused. We don't use stuff like that for our grade-A skin. Oh la-di-dah! Of course, we were all in puberty, and most girls had severe acne. But, who was I to argue!

It was smooth sailing so far, when all of a sudden, we heard loud shrills coming from outside the tent. The camp instructor stood there, saying "Ok kids, time for Karate practice!" WTF? Karate? I had the most bemused look on my face as I trotted behind my classmates to the common area, where a gentleman stood, waiting to give us Karate practice. We stood in neat rows, and I was, as usual, the last person on the row. I am thankful for that, since I was wearing the tightest pants in the history of the world. As we attempted controlling our laughter over the gentleman's "Hoos and Haas", the Karate session continued. Air kicks, punches, jabs, we did it all. It was quite a grueling session.

In the evening, we were given orders to wake up at 6, as we will be going on trek. Sounded fine, I guess. We'd get to see some nature, fresh air, and the like! And we were given the warning to be there at 6 am sharp, or get punishment. Well, nice holiday, indeed! I was out of my tent at 6 am sharp, waiting for the others to show up. Slowly, everyone assembled. And the ones who were late had to do push ups. On their knuckles. Did I hear someone say military camp?

As you would have guessed by now, I used to be a very smart person. I decided to wear the tight pants again for the trek. Which, by the way, turned out not to be a trek at all. The guides made us run on an uphill climb. If life wasn't humiliating for us already, the fatties like me who were lagging behind were hit on their asses by a stick. Lovely. And then their was the run back down, which was fairly easy.

Post shower, I felt some uneasiness. I checked out my thighs - they were full of painful red bumps. I hollered, and cried, and screamed in pain. And since I was sooo popular, everyone attended to my beck and calls. In my dreams, of course! Then happened a 'river crossing' activity, which had no river. The students had to climb a ladder, hang upside down and cross to the other ladder. Fun. I didn't partake in this activity, since I didn't want the kids to have another reason to laugh at me.

To conclude this exciting trip, on the last day we were taken to a water purification plant so we could see how water is purified. Wow. Just what a 15 year old gets excited over. The happiest part of the trip for me was the ride back home. Mummy, I missed you!

Now, I am not dissing Badlapur. It's a nice place to visit. I'm dissing my stupid trip, with stupid memories!

Do you have any such stories to share?! Post a comment, I would love to know!

Photo courtesy: Gettyimages

Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful!

Hello peeps,

Here I am once again with a little rant of sorts. And I hope you pay good attention to what I am about to say.

Don't hate someone because they are different from you. I always believe in one thing - we are all creations of God, and SHE would not create someone substandard. Everyone that comes into this world is beautiful - from reed thin to morbidly obese. We are all beautiful.

However, somehow, certain rules and norms sprang up and beauty suddenly became defined. Who defines what 'normal' is? Who decides what is 'beauty'? Not me, not you, not anyone! The only person who knows beauty is you, and it is only limited to yourself. You need to look in the mirror everyday and say to yourself 'Dang girl! You're hot!' That's what I do everyday!

I have been ostracized about my weight since I can remember. It bothered me first. I used to hate myself, I never looked at myself for more than 1 second. But then, I don't know why, I just got a feeling, if I don't love myself, who will? Since then, I am literally OBSESSED with myself. You should ask the peeps on facebook. There are about 890 photos of me on there, and trust me, I ain't stopping at that!

The same also applies at the other end of the spectrum. For all the people who are really thin. Now I am sure they don't want to be so thin, but still they are commented on. It's not their fault peeps, leave them alone!

So to all you haters, please stop hating. If someone is different from you, it doesn't make them ugly. It only makes them beautiful.

Peace out, yo!

Free Resource

Free Resource -- The two most dreaded words a person could hear if that person works in my office.

Of course, I had to be the person who heard it.

What is a free resource?

A free resource is a person who sits around in office, staring at their computer screens with absolutely no work to do. The person is meant to hang around as a standby till the time he gets on to another project.

Fun, isn't it?

Not so much fun if you're sitting idle in office for the first three months of joining this office. Yes, that happened with me! After those first three months, I was put on to a project, where I stayed till Friday. For this week, I am a free resource.

I have absolutely NOTHING to do. And I don't know how to spend my time. Any ideas people? I can't be on facebook and twitter for 8.5x5 now, can I!! So please help me! Give me interesting sites I could visit! I have access to youtube too, so if there are any cool videos, post the links here (please make sure they are safe for viewing at work!)

I think I'll take a nap now. Yawn.

Sayonara!

Things I'd do differently if I were 15 again

1. I would hit YP where it hurt -- his ego. I won't let his constant bullying bother me, and just take it in my stride. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!

2. I would stop pretending to be with the 'in' crowd, and just accept that I was a loner. I would not spend my time trying to impress them, instead I would be with myself, and have other people come to me.

3. I would definitely NOT listen to the Backstreet Boys every time I would think about my crush.

4. I would care a FUCK about my marks, or who came first in class. I was and never will be a grade A student, and I'd just learn to live with that.

5. I would not waste my time and my dad's hard earned money on Chate classes.

6. I would not aspire to be a doctor (yeesh!) and instead understand my own potentials.

7. I would sing and dance like no one was watching. And even if someone was, I would give a damn.

8. I would make friends with A and U, because they were loners, just like me. And as I discovered in the class trip, (which was horrendous, fyi!) they were exceptionally cool.

9. I would rebel each and every norm there was.

10. In short, I would be exactly what I am today.

I wish there were more school-hating people like me. My only respite is Pink Floyd, who wrote my anthem "We don't need no education." So damn fucking true.

Ok I'm charged up now, and it's 11:22 pm. I suppose I should hit the sack now.

Yawn.

It's time!

Here is something that has been bugging my innards for a while, and I knew, just knew, that I had to do a post about this. Maybe I will make this a continuous series, I don't know. But it really is time!

I am here, oh faithful readers, to give you a lesson in good grammar. Here are some quick and easy tips for you, so you can achieve better writing results!

Disclaimer: I aint no grammar guru, but these are just basic lessons everyone should know!

1. First and foremost, it is spelt GRAMMAR, not GRAMMER. -shivers-

2. '...' are called ellipses. If you must use them, use them only in threes. For instance: "Oh I thought...I thought you were serious!" and not "He stood in the corner.....................................and saw her standing on the other side."

3. Chatspeak. Stay as far away as you possibly can. "OMG..lyk u r so funeee!!!!!!!!" sounds like an adolescent talking, and is really unfit for normal writing situations. Writing "Oh my goodness, you're so funny!" is not very hard to type.

4. 'You're' is short for 'you are'. Your is short for nothing. It denotes belonging.
Wrong: Your so cute. (Your what is cute?)
Right: You're so cute.

5. 'Common' is defined as belonging to or participated in by a community as a whole; public; "for the common good", or having no special distinction or quality. It is not another way of saying 'Come on.'
Wrong: Common, dance!
Right: Come on, dance!

6. Exclamation points. Use them more than twice, you're really a lunatic!
Really wrong: Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok: Wow!!!!
Great: Wow!

7. Inverted commas. These are very important for dialogues. Try not to write them without these. Also, a full stop, exclamation point, or comma always comes before closing the inverted comma.
Really Wrong: I love you she said.
Wrong: "I love you", she said.
Right: "I love you," she said.

8. Serial commas. I learned these very recently. These are commas used immediately before a conjuction.
Wrong: I ate chocolates, lolipops and chewing gum.
Right: I ate chocolates, lolipops, and chewing gum.

Well, that is all for now. Most people know I am a crazy grammar freak, and I just wanted to share my so-called 'knowledge' with you. I hope these lessons help you, and who knows, I may come back for more! Let me know what you think!

Strange

I meant to share this incident the very next day of my birthday, but blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol *cough* I mean, blame it on laziness and boredom! But I am sharing it now, so read, and please, please, let me know what you think.

So we had gone to this South Bombay club, and we had reached the place at 11 in the night. There were seriously crickets chirping inside, there were hardly 10 people inside. I was kinda shocked, cause it's South Bombay, and a Friday night. I thought the place would be jam packed. Anyway. The DJ was playing some really old English music, stuff I hadn't even heard before. All my friends were sitting at a couch, some yawning, some trying to make conversation. I was excited as hell, so I was dancing randomly to the music.

A few minutes later, three goras (two guys and one girl) came and sat on the couch opposite ours. I could not understand their chemistry, cause as soon as they entered, Male Gora 1 (henceforth to be known as Charsi) pinched Female Gora's (henceforth to be known as Drunky) butt. Then, Drunky proceeded to make out with Male Gora 2 (henceforth to be known as Cutey-but-drunk). I didn't pay them much notice, I was in a zone of my own, dancing stupidly. A few minutes later, I looked at them, and I saw they were playing air-guitar, and head banging. Strange. Maybe they were inspired by me or something.

An hour went by, and the night picked up. The music was a little better, and more people started coming in. Drunky and Charsi were dancing like crazy...they would put any dirty dancing fan to shame. Charsi even did a snake-charm dance by taking of his shoe and playing an imaginary flute to it. That was so hilarious, I started imitating him, and making my friends laugh. Big mistake.

Another half an hour went by, and the music was really good now. So we were dancing in a group by now. We were really in the groove, and all of a sudden, Charsi comes over, and runs his gora-fucking-hand on my shoulder, all the way to my palm. And then the dumbass actually proceeded to dance. I stared at him with a 'What the fuck?' expression on my face. And the fool actually imitated it and looked back at me. Too shocked, I just walked away from the group, and sat at a chair. DM then told him "Back off, she is not comfortable." So Charsi did back off. Then each and every girl in my group came to ask me "Are you ok?". Yeah I was ok. A charsi just ran his arm me. Sheesh.

If you think this was strange, please, read on. I was sitting at the chair, and this really old, pathetic, ugly man (henceforth to be known as Lecherous Fuck) comes and stands at the bar, a few feet away from me. He did this really strange dance that DM saw too. She came over to me and we were laughing hysterically. BIG MISTAKE!

Lecherous Fuck then went away. A few minutes later, he came back and stood at the same place. Do you get this strange sensation sometimes that someone is staring at you? I got that, so I looked at him. And the lecherous fuck actually had the balls to make a really really obscene gesture towards me. My eyeballs had literally hit the floor. Then he looked at me as if to say come over. I was so disgusted, I was holding my vomit back. Yuck! The nerve!

He went away again, and I was shocked out of my mind. I had a dazed expression on my face. What the hell just happened. Again my girlfriends came over to ask what happened. I just couldn't say it. Lecherous Fuck then sat at a couch a few feet away from mine, and again he was staring at me. Yeech. This time I didn't look, and thankfully Cutey-but-drunk was passed out in the middle couch, so he was obstructing his view. Then, the lech actually looked at my friend, and tried to tell her to get me to look at him. That did it. I told the girls let's get out of here. And we did. I didn't even want to acknowledge the old fuck, so I didn't look at him.

If you think this was stranger, please, oh please, read ahead. We reached DN's place, and of course, we had to have a discussion of what had happened to me. And, it was popular opinion that everybody had respect for the Charsi cause he didn't come back after DM told him to back off!!! WHAT?? I was touched by a man, against my wishes, and you have respect for the Charsi? WTF? What if he had grabbed my boob, then? Would you still "respect" him? Of course, they were all laughing, so no point putting my arguments to them. As for lecherous fuck, we had a lot of choice words for him. I won't be mentioning them here.

All in all, it was an experience I will never forget.

I want to know from you, oh reader, whose side are you on? Me, the abla naari, or those two raging hormones assholes?

And if Charsi or Lecherous Fuck are reading this, just go FUCK OFF!!!!!

WTF?

What the FUCK is going on in India?

I am so shocked, I don't even know what to say. Please watch this video.

Shocked.

Fake friends

I'm feeling so pissed off right now, I don't even know where to begin.

What is the deal with fake friends and fake friendship?

Why so many expectations?

The fake smiles, the fake 'i care for yous', the fake 'i love yous'.

No you don't care about me, you don't love me.

Why this facade? You know you will forget me in a matter of months.

Then why this fake friendship?

Why?