Few Facts about Fat People

As the spokesperson for all fat people in the universe, I believe it is my duty to inform all you skinny/regular people of the very essential facts about fat people. These are things you probably never knew about us, but it is of utmost importance that you do. Why? Look around you. Every second person is overweight or obese. Pretty soon, you will be too. So please pay attention, for I am about to tell you the things a fat person hates to hear and do.


A. Hear

1. Nothing, and I mean nothing, angers us more than when a skinny girl says "OMG! I have to loose 5 kgs! My weight has gone up to 45kgs! Ugh..I feel so faaatttt!". Have you ever felt a dhai kilo ka haath across your face, bitch? No? Well, now is a good time to start then. FATAAAK!

2. When someone gives us diet/exercise tips, we feel like ripping the person's head to half. We have not asked you to give us any advice, so why do you want to anger a fat person? Remember the dhai kilo ka haath? It applies here too.

3. When you compare other fat people to us. "I have a friend, she's about twice your size...She's sooooo faaat!" What the hell? Are we a benchmark against whom you compare other fat people too? What if I told you I have a friend who's twice more uglier than you? Would you like that?

4. When you say fat people are generally a violent race. Okay, so point 1 and 2 of this may not be helping my case, but really, fat people are not at all violent. Look at us, will you? By the time we raise our fists to punch you silly, we'll be too tired and give up. So no, I am not joining your Antakshari team because you think I will hit every member of the other team just 'cause they're cheating.

5. We hate it when our friends (sweet as they are) call us 'sexy', 'hot', or 'da bomb'. Oh sweeties, you really are too kind. Too, too kind.

6. We hate it when people call us 'fat' or other words which mean 'fat'. And we don't hate it 'cause we feel hurt by the said words. No, no. We hate it cause it's the most unoriginal way to hurt a fat person. You're telling me I'm fat. So? Is that supposed to hurt me? cause I kinda already knew that. Come on, a little originality please!

7. We hate it when a skinny girl says "I eat sooooooooo much...yet I don't gain even one gram of weight." Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Don't smite a fat person. Trust me.

B. Do

1. Fat people hate all kinds of physical activity. We hate the mere thought of going to the gym. If it were up to us, we'd prefer not to move at all. The Sloth's life is the life for us!

2. We hate going clothes shopping. Apparently, clothes manufacturers still believe there are no fat people in this world. We hate trying on clothes, and hate it even more when they don't fit. We hate looking at size zero, as we shriek in disbelief, "How can people be so skinny!" We, however, love shoe and makeup shopping. One size -does- fit all.

3. We hate eating in public. Most people think our eating capacity compares to a blue whale that has been hungry for 5 days. It might be true for some of us, but most of us have quite normal appetites, in fact we may eat even less than skinny people. Whenever we eat in public, we feel our food is under scanner from the people around us. Stare at your own food, fools!

4. Continuing from point 1, we hate all adventure sports. Our bodies are just not meant for 10 mile hikes, or climbing the Himalayas. When we can watch Himalayas on Discovery Channel (now in HD!), sipping on our cokes, why should we make an effort to climb it? We really really don't have an adventurers spirit, so don't even bother.

5. We hate taking photographs with skinny people. We don't like the fat-skinny contrast, cause it makes us feel even fatter. It is definitely an ego boost for the skinny person, but not us...sorry!

That's it I guess. This was the list of what a life is like for a fat person, and all its irritants. We basically hate everyone and everything, and would like you all to leave us alone.

Ok? Thank you. Bye!

*poof*

Love, Sex aur Dhoka - The Review

I was excited about the release of this movie for the longest time. Not a single known actor, and most importantly, the movie was shot in digital format - Security cameras, spy cams, digital video cameras - the whole shkabang. Finally, taking full advantage of the Vodafone Tuesday offer, I dragged my mum along to see the movie with me (no one else was available!)

I'm glad I took mum along with me, because anybody else would have been an irritant. She dozed off within 15 minutes of the movie, and I was caught in attention by every move the genius Dibakar Banerjee was making.

Love, Sex aur Dhoka challenges mainstream Bollywood movies, and their portryal of love. Dibakar has divided the movie into three parts, each part dedicated to love, sex and dhoka respectively, though all three parts have elements of each. All three stories and characters are interwoven with each other.

WARNING: Super Spoiler Alert. If you haven't seen the movie, don't read any further! Skip this section completely!

The first section is an out and out challenge to Bollywood's notion of love, how everything works out for the hero and heroine, against all odds. The young aspiring movie director who falls hopelessly in love with the daughter of a rich businessman, sounds cliched, doesn't it? The young man is a huge follower of the Yash Raj school of filmmaking, and his diploma movie 'Mehendi tere naam ki', is a tribute to 'Adi' Chopra. He falls in love with the lead actress so much so, that he even begins calling her Simran. So far, everything seems like the perfect Bollywood plot, even the leads begin to think so. Dibakar has juxtaposed real life versus the cotton candy Bollywood life wonderfully in the first section. However the love story ended, Dibakar simply left it on the audience to interpret and choose what life they'd like to live.

The second story is, I think, the best combination of all three parts - love, sex, aur dhoka. A broke 'MBA', a store clerk, and things that go bump in the night. What I took away from this section was that in such times, who do you trust? The person you love? Does he/she really love you? Can you let yourself go completely? Do things truly work out in the end? This part had some of the most risque dialogues and 'bold' scenes.

The third is all about 'dhoka'. A jaded dancer wants to take revenge against the Punjabi pop star Loki Local (the best performance in the movie!) who used her in exchange for an appearance in his music videos, which he never goes through with. Fate brings together the dancer and an equally jaded 'sting operation expert'. Together they plan a sting operation against the pop star. What happens next? Find out!

SPOILERS END

The movie is gritty, gripping, and brutal at times. There isn't a boring moment in the movie, it engages you from the beginning to the end. In terms of movie-making, it is truly revolutionary. It has some of the best dialogues and superb music. Dibakar has created some very memorable characters, and in my book, they are going down alongside heavyweights like Hanz Landa, Michael Corleone and Darth Vader!

It is unfortunate that Dibakar is a director from Bollywood. This movie will not be sent for Oscar consideration, nor will it receive the Filmfare for the Best Movie. He will of course be given a Critics award for his efforts, while Shah Rukh Khan laughs his way to glory and wins best of show. Sigh.

So here's 4/5 for Dibakar Banerjee's Love, Sex aur Dhoka. Watch it for pure cinematic excellence!

Sachin Tendulkar

R.I.P

My dadaji (grandfather) passed away peacefully on 11th February, 2010. We had several names for him - Grandy, Gramps, Grampa, Biscuit Baba (he loved biscuits!), and of course, dadaji.

To say his life was a struggle would be an understatement. He had seen hardships right through his childhood. But he fought through every struggle and achieved everything that he possibly could. He was the quintessential self-made man.

Dadaji had few hobbies, and the one that topped the list was research. He would spend entire days writing in his journals about his new finds and discoveries. He would rip apart relevant newspaper articles and stick them on to his journal, even before anyone else got the opportunity to have a read. He would read and write with such joy - it was something he was so passionate about. Of course then, we found this hobby a waste of time and energy, and most importantly, we weren't getting our paper to read. We would tell him to stop so many times, but he never gave up.

The second thing he was most passionate about was cricket. He loved everything about cricket. He would discuss players, scores, even stadiums at length with anyone who'd ask. When he got sick and bed ridden, he would tune his portable radio to the live cricket commentary. He would still cheer and curse whenever India performed favorably or not.

The last time I saw dadaji, I told him he was a great man. I told him I love him and I will continue to love him forever. I told him to get well soon. I wanted to see him back on his feet again. I wanted to see him reading and cutting holes through newspapers again. I wanted to see him cheering every time Sachin Tendulkar hit a six. I wanted him to tell me his stories again. I wanted to hear him cough loudly every time he brushed his teeth. I wanted to hear the shuffle of his feet when he walked. I wanted to see him tune his radio again. I wanted him to be around.

And then, on 11th February, 2010, he left the world. He left me. And he took a part of me with him.

And then, on 24th February, 2010, Sachin Tendulkar made history by becoming the first cricketer to score 200 runs in a One Dayer. While India cheered for Sachin's achievement, I cried because dadaji wasn't here to see him do that. He would have cheered wildly, and then have told us for days about what he had done.

I talk to myself a lot, and I always hear a voice talking back to me. Yesterday, I spoke to myself again - "Dadaji, you missed Sachin's 200"

A reply came back to me, but a voice I had not heard before - "You don't think they have televisions in heaven?"

I smiled a little, while tears streamed down again.

Don't Panic

..I'm still alive homies, just in case you were worried.

OR, if you thought I was gone for good, and you heaved a sigh of relief, then tough luck bitches!!!

I just took some time off to put things into perspective, plus I was in Delhi for two months, interning with this lifestyle magazine. But I'm back now. With new ideas, hopefully. Here's hoping my brain gets bombarded with new ideas about stuff to write, because without that, I am nothing!

Hope you've all been good little children, and missed me like you should have.

xoxox. Gossip girl! ;)