How to survive the corporate world

I have been working (trapped?) in a corporate for more than 7 months now. And even though I am still a newbie, I have a sharp sense of perception. I can say that I have learned a lot. For all the newbies, the ones who are just entering, or on their way to, I am sharing my tips on getting ahead in the corporate world. Just follow these tips, and I am sure you will be a head honcho (asshole?) in no time!

1. Look Busy:

Corporate world is like a see-saw. Sometimes you will be burdened with work, loaded, in fact. On some days you will be a free bird. This rule applies to the days when you have no work to do. The most important thing to remember is --- look busy! Even if you spend eight hours clicking furiously on the mouse, playing Solitaire, look like you're in the middle of completing a zillion dollar contract with a prospective client. Have a constant frown on your face, staring at your screen, put your fingers on your lips, sigh often...you get the idea! People who can't directly see your computer screen will think you're working super hard. But we all know the truth, don't we? ;)

2. Talk softly:

This rule comes with a 'but'. Talk softly, but only to your subordinates. Even if you are on the other side of the room, only a mere whisper is required. The subbies will come running. When they are close to you, speak even softer, be as incoherent as possible. The subbies will stoop to hear your words, reminding you of colonial India, you playing the part of the gora ruler, and the subbie a mere servant. Give them instructions, and they will do the needful, while you get back to your 67th game of Solitaire.

3. Talk loudly:

This rule also comes with a 'but'. Talk loudly, but only to your superiors, or to the ones level with you. Believe the world waits with baited breath about your every move. Everyone wants to know about your life. Take for instance, your colleague comes along. Even before he says hi, loudly declare "Dude!! I totally slept with XYZ last night! HIGH FIVE!" Then look at the minions around you, staring at you in awe. Laugh loudly for no particular reason. Be loud till the point of being obnoxious. When in fact, it isn't. People in your office are papparazi, and you are just giving them what they want - you!

4. Rent a house:

Location, location, location! Right? Right! It is of the utmost importance for you to rent a house, or if you can afford one, buy a house. But where? Right on your boss' ass. That's right. Live there, if you can, because nothing can get you ahead like a living in your boss' ass. Make your boss believe you're the best thing that has ever happened to him/her. Agree to everything they say, be at their beck and call. And you are on your way to head honcho world.

5. Blame others:

You are God, and God doesn't make mistakes. Even if your slight, oh let's say mishap, has cost your company 10 bazillion dollars, it wasn't your fault. Simple. Blame it on the subbie. They are just cockroaches anyway. Easily replacable. And since you are God, the subbies will take the fall, just for you. You are just that great!

And here you go. My tips on getting ahead in the corporate world. I'm sure they will help you out!

Now leave me be. I am just about finishing my 90th game of Solitaire!


P.S. All these tips are based on personal experiences which happen to me each and every day. And yes, I AM a subbie.