Being Alone is Cool Sometimes

When you've been single as long as I have, you sort of learn to be self-contained and happy with yourself. I have friends, sure, but I find joy in taking myself out on 'dates'. And as I have learned, these come with a lot of benefits too. So, even though I risk sounding like a #ForeverAlone person (which I am, so more power to us!), I present to you five reasons I like going out alone:

1. No More Waiting!
So I am not the most punctual person around, but it really irks me when someone doesn't arrive at a stipulated time and you have to sit around and wait for the person to show up. When you take yourself out, there's no waiting, baby! The minutes or hours you would generally spend waiting for your friend/date to arrive can instead be spent on having that extra mug of beer.

2. MOAR FOOD!
I do not enjoy sharing food, not particularly. Eating out by yourself is the best way to avoid stray hands grabbing your french fries. It also makes eating a more pleasurable experience. Instead of engaging in conversation, you engage yourself in the gastronomical sensations you experience while eating.

3. Spoilt for Choice
"Where do you want to eat?"
"I don't know. Where do you want to eat?"
"Hard Rock?"
"Too expensive!"
"Pizzeria?"
"Too far!"

Hate such conversations? Well, you won't have them if you're taking yourself out. Go wherever you want, the world is at your disposal. New abstract art show at the museum none of your friends want to go to? Go by yourself! French documentary about chairs no one wants to see but you? Go go go! Don't let someone else decide your plans and do exactly what you want to.

4. Contemplate, contemplate!
Being alone gives you a lot of time to contemplate, think about the bigger things in life and perhaps even get answers to some important questions. Go to a coffee shop, grab a cuppa and zone out into contemplation mode. Grab a notepad, write. Making things clear is a lot easier when you are with yourself.

5. General Badassery
Last week, I was at a seedy bar with my friends and there was this woman there all by herself, drinking, smoking, the works. And I thought to myself, "Wow. Badass!" Being out with yourself gives you an air of mystery and a general badass vibe. And what else can a #ForeverAlone person ask for anyway?

So there you go. Going out alone sometimes can be an enriching experience and I urge you all to let go of your awkwardness and inhibitions and take yourself out. It will be fun, I promise.

(All images sourced from Google)

Friday Links

Here are some amazoballs links I have encountered in the last week. If you haven't seen them already, go see them. Your amusement level will definitely increase.

1. Things That Blew Your Mind When You Were A Kid

2. Worst Movie Death Scene

3. Star Wars Crawl Creator

4. The Best Delhi definitions, ever (Sample: Vree verb. Feel anxious, worry. Example: "Oi, koi nahin pakdega (nobody will catch us). Daunt vree so much!")

5. The Cast Of “Full House” Reunited (Except the Olsen twins. Sad.)

6. Tunak Tunak Tun Meets Metal

7. Hilarious Medical Miracle (feat. A dead Mithun, his brain and a lesbian Madhoo)

8. One of xkcd's best and brilliant time wasters

9. A firangi's commendable take on Sunny Paji's 'TAREEKH PE TAREEKH!'

10. The Curious Case of Uday Chopra

And that's it! Hope you've enjoyed this week's edition of linkages. 

See you next Friday with more time wasters!

18 Things I Want

I have to tell you this. My current obsession on the internet is this amazing website called Thought Catalog. If you haven't visited the website, quickly do so. And bookmark it too. It features some very insightful, silly and  inspirational articles I have read in a while.

Recently, I came across this article on Thought Catalog called 18 Things I Want by Gaby Dunn. I liked the article, and it inspired me to write something similar. To quote her post:

I made that list on my blog after wondering if I could, without really thinking, come up with 18 things I wanted right at that moment...Don’t worry about looking outward or #firstworldproblems. Don’t worry about seeming shallow. Consider this an inward exploration of what you want, deep down, without the pressures and outside influences that are usually clogging everything up. Maybe you’ll find out something about yourself you didn’t already know.

So here I go. Here's my list of 18 Things I want right this very moment. Written live. Let's see how this goes. Share your list on your blog too. And pass me the link so I can read.

1. A dog. Doesn't matter what breed.
2. Really, really long, voluminous hair.
3. A lipstick that lasts all day no matter how much you eat/talk/make out.
4. Someone to make out with.
5. The metabolic rate of a supermodel.
6. The ability to never gain weight.
7. Shoes that would actually fit my huge feet.
8. A time machine that would take me back to the 90s. Then I'd break it and never come back to the present.
9. Finish the entire Game of Thrones series.
10. Get George R R Martin to finish writing the series.
11. The ability to follow through on all the decisions I make in life.
12. The destruction of email so we could go back to writing letters again.
13. The ability to never, ever sweat no matter what.
14. A hair removal cream that kills the hair follicle forever so I never have to shave again.
15. A soft, sensual kiss.
16. The ability to let go and move on.
17. A trip to Spain.
18. The ability to be a better writer.

Up With Music!: Week 1

As a means of trying out something new, I present to you my latest venture: Up With Music!

Every Friday, I will recommend 5 songs—they could follow any theme, and they could be any genre.

With every song recommended, I will also embed Youtube links on the song title for you to check out the music. If you like my reccos, let me know! This could be the start of something awesome!

Up With Music! Week 1 Recommendations:

Theme: Mood Music

1. Mood: I am going to stare at the ceiling and zone out.

Song: The Lime Tree by Trevor Hall

Why: Trevor Hall's sublime voice, mixed with slow, rhythmic beats...perfect zone out music.

2. Mood: I'm going to cuddle and make out with my boy/girlfriend now.

Song: My Favourite Book by Stars

Why: Boom boom beats and a smooth voice. What more do you need?

3. Mood: I'm going to punch someone in the face now.

Song: Bodies by Drowning Pool

Why: Super angry music to vent out your frustration to. And a good theme song for when you are punching someone in the face.

4. Mood: I'm going to dance like no one's watching

Song: Via Con Me by Paolo Conte

Why: Wouldn't you dance to something that went "Chips chips chips...du du du du.."?

5. Mood: I'm feeling low and need a mood boost.

Song: Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin

Why: The perfect happy song for whenever you're down!

Hope you enjoy this week's music recommendations! See you next week!

Till then, Up With Music!

Some Updates

*Lately, I've grown really, stupendously hot. Dear reader, I wish 'hot' meant sexy, but not in my context. I have been sweating half my body weight out every single day, and I hate that. The worst part is that the sweatiest part of my body is my face. Not armpits, like regular people. Had to be my face. It feels like I've come out of a sauna every time I enter my office, and it feels so horribly gross. I even carry around a huge-ass napkin. Is there a cure for sweatiness? Oh I really hope there is!

*I have fallen in love with 'Shaam' from the movie Aisha. I know I am late, but I am not really an appreciator of Hindi music. But there's just something about that song. I have heard it on loop at least ten times, and I loved it more each time. However, I am also sure I will get sick of it by the end of this month. The same happened with Train's 'Hey Soul Sister'.

*I wish I could update this blog more frequently, but I guess I am suffering from a permanent writer's block. I do hope it doesn't permeate into writing for the magazine, cause that will totally suck! There are so many things I want to share, but as soon as I touch the keyboard, I loose it. I am freely writing this post, maybe that's why I am able to write it. Hmm. Maybe I should do that more often.

*Flipkart is my latest haunt. I have ordered so many books lately, the guy who couriers them to my home told me he has never delivered so many books to one residence! I guess that's cool, right? Currently I'm reading Stephen King's The Shining. After I read Carrie, I knew I had to read The Shining. I have finished about six chapters now..nothing scary...so far! The next book on its way is All My Friends Are Dead by Avery Monsen and Jory John. Can't wait for that one!

*I miss talking to this friend of mine, with whom I don't speak anymore. We had the best, most random conversations. I used to shout at him, we fought a lot, but then we made up too. We spoke for hours over the most stupidest things. And now, we don't talk anymore. How things change, eh?

*I read my very first byline in the magazine, and I dedicated it (in my mind) to my grandfather. Long ago, I had told him that when I write a book, I will dedicate it to him. This article, of course, is not a book, but it's a start. It's my name in print. And I dedicate it to him.

*Diwali is here! Yay! It's my favorite festival of all time! I love dressing up, the lights, the sweets. I could live without those blasted fireworks! Dhadam, dhudum, dhadam! Fuu! Hate them. I wish some inventor creates a noise-less, pollution-less alternate to fireworks. Wouldn't that be epic?

*I miss being in love. I can't say anything more on this topic. Let's just say, I love you all :)

..is writing a post

Boon or Bane?

Facebook - the phenomenon that has taken the world by storm. It has defined social networking to what it is today, and even redefined relationships. Personally, I love facebook, and I fail to remember what I was doing before it existed! (cause I'm on facebook 24 hours a day ;))

Now with everything good, there is of bad too. Yin-yang. Facebook is so transparent and so instant, people on your friends list update you on whatever they are doing in a matter of seconds. That could be a good thing if you're that voyeuristic, but what about people who could do without minute-by-minute updates about everything you're doing? When facebook asks you 'What's on your mind?', I'm sure it doesn't want specific, intimate details! Here's a list of updates on facebook I can do without:

1. OMG!!!!@!@!!! OMG!!@23232!! OMGGGGG Edward Cullen is soooo HAAAWWWT! (No he's not. He's a cold blooded leech man)

2. I'm in labour!! Baby number 4 on its way! (Concentrate on pushing, woman!)

3. "Tanhai mein faryaad to kar sakte hai,
Virane ko abad kar sakte hai.
Kya hua aapse mil nahi sakte,
Lekin aapko dil se yaad to kar sakti hai!" (What??!!)

4. Just saw Gupt first day first show!! OMG Kajol was the murderer! (Way to ruin it for the rest of us, my friend!)

5. 2 al mah frds, i luv u n v shud b frds 4eva!!! (Only if you go to grammar school)

6. I lOvE 2 tYpE aLl My StAtuS uPdAtEs lYk dIs (You do have a lot of patience!)

7. Can someone milk my cows while I'm on vacation? (Willing to throw in poisoning your farms for free!)

8. Aal eej well! (It won't be once you get my fist through your face!)

9. Love you boyfriend/girlfriend!!!! MWAH! MWAH!! (This is a whole new level of PDA which I'm not comfortable with!)

10. Just returned from Paris. Off to Maldives in a few hours! Life is good! (-Activating buri nazar-)

11. Very angry. Don't disturb. (And now I shall disturb you, even if I had no intentions to earlier!)

12. Stomach upset :( Making poops the size of my fist!..NASTY! (And I need to know that, because?)

14. Comfortably numb. (Quoting songs now, are we emo boy/girl?)

More to come! Watch this space!

Few Facts about Fat People

As the spokesperson for all fat people in the universe, I believe it is my duty to inform all you skinny/regular people of the very essential facts about fat people. These are things you probably never knew about us, but it is of utmost importance that you do. Why? Look around you. Every second person is overweight or obese. Pretty soon, you will be too. So please pay attention, for I am about to tell you the things a fat person hates to hear and do.


A. Hear

1. Nothing, and I mean nothing, angers us more than when a skinny girl says "OMG! I have to loose 5 kgs! My weight has gone up to 45kgs! Ugh..I feel so faaatttt!". Have you ever felt a dhai kilo ka haath across your face, bitch? No? Well, now is a good time to start then. FATAAAK!

2. When someone gives us diet/exercise tips, we feel like ripping the person's head to half. We have not asked you to give us any advice, so why do you want to anger a fat person? Remember the dhai kilo ka haath? It applies here too.

3. When you compare other fat people to us. "I have a friend, she's about twice your size...She's sooooo faaat!" What the hell? Are we a benchmark against whom you compare other fat people too? What if I told you I have a friend who's twice more uglier than you? Would you like that?

4. When you say fat people are generally a violent race. Okay, so point 1 and 2 of this may not be helping my case, but really, fat people are not at all violent. Look at us, will you? By the time we raise our fists to punch you silly, we'll be too tired and give up. So no, I am not joining your Antakshari team because you think I will hit every member of the other team just 'cause they're cheating.

5. We hate it when our friends (sweet as they are) call us 'sexy', 'hot', or 'da bomb'. Oh sweeties, you really are too kind. Too, too kind.

6. We hate it when people call us 'fat' or other words which mean 'fat'. And we don't hate it 'cause we feel hurt by the said words. No, no. We hate it cause it's the most unoriginal way to hurt a fat person. You're telling me I'm fat. So? Is that supposed to hurt me? cause I kinda already knew that. Come on, a little originality please!

7. We hate it when a skinny girl says "I eat sooooooooo much...yet I don't gain even one gram of weight." Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Don't smite a fat person. Trust me.

B. Do

1. Fat people hate all kinds of physical activity. We hate the mere thought of going to the gym. If it were up to us, we'd prefer not to move at all. The Sloth's life is the life for us!

2. We hate going clothes shopping. Apparently, clothes manufacturers still believe there are no fat people in this world. We hate trying on clothes, and hate it even more when they don't fit. We hate looking at size zero, as we shriek in disbelief, "How can people be so skinny!" We, however, love shoe and makeup shopping. One size -does- fit all.

3. We hate eating in public. Most people think our eating capacity compares to a blue whale that has been hungry for 5 days. It might be true for some of us, but most of us have quite normal appetites, in fact we may eat even less than skinny people. Whenever we eat in public, we feel our food is under scanner from the people around us. Stare at your own food, fools!

4. Continuing from point 1, we hate all adventure sports. Our bodies are just not meant for 10 mile hikes, or climbing the Himalayas. When we can watch Himalayas on Discovery Channel (now in HD!), sipping on our cokes, why should we make an effort to climb it? We really really don't have an adventurers spirit, so don't even bother.

5. We hate taking photographs with skinny people. We don't like the fat-skinny contrast, cause it makes us feel even fatter. It is definitely an ego boost for the skinny person, but not us...sorry!

That's it I guess. This was the list of what a life is like for a fat person, and all its irritants. We basically hate everyone and everything, and would like you all to leave us alone.

Ok? Thank you. Bye!

*poof*

Ek Auto story

Aaja meri gaadi me baith ja!

People from Bombay, come gather around, for I am about to teach you a lesson about the auto driver. Even if you're not from Bombay, pay attention. This information might come in handy some day.

The Bombay rickshaw driver comes in a variety of race, religions and species. I have divided these rickshaw drivers in several categories. They are as follows:

1. The Angry One: This specie of rickshaw drivers is a frustrated soul. He has had several anger management issues; one that tops the list is being called 'bhaiyya'. So this bhaiyya ji...err...rickshaw driver takes his anger out on the road. They will drive at breakneck speeds (passengers can literally break their necks sitting in this rickshaw), honk endlessly, spew countless swear words, and remove their misery on the other travelers. This specie is very likely to get into physical fights with other drivers who they crash into, mainly BEST bus drivers (who are a different specie all together!)
2. The Drunkard: The name is self-explanatory, isn't it? This is a sub-specie of 'The Angry One', and they prefer to drown their misery in a bottle of 'desi tharra' and then rule the road. It's easy to spot this specie, since you can smell the alcohol all the way from China. Their speech is slurred, they drive loopily, and are once again, very likely to get into accidents. They might even start talking to you, crying or laughing. If you value your life, don't travel by this auto.
3. The Yapper: If this specie gets a chance at an alternate career, he would love to host a talk show. Where only he talks. Yappers open their mouth the moment you sit in the auto, and shut up the moment you get off. They don't need you to initiate the conversation; they can pretty much begin on their own, starting with their favorite dialogue: "Aaj traffic bahut zyada hai!" They then move on to topics ranging from Himes bhai's new moojic, to discussing the nuances of Marxist theories. They are so apt at speaking; they will continue talking even if your ears are plugged to your music player. It is very hard to notice a Yapper from afar, so if you wish to avoid this situation, best keep your mouth shut in all your future rickshaw rides.
4. The Dhinchak: This specie loves his ride. They love it so much; they take it on their onus to decorate it with every loud and garish item possible. Both sides of the passenger seat will have images of Bollywood beauties, looking at you lustily. Their stereos will be complete with surround sound, sub woofers, and what not. They are Himes bhai's biggest patrons, and they will play his music extremely loud, till the point where blood seeps out through your ears. They will have the customary "Tum kab wapas aaoge" sticker on their rear-view mirror (which is, of course, only a decorative commodity!) There will also be a porn movie blue light which will shine throughout the ride. Fresh flowers, plastic flowers, agarbattis, pepsi bottles filled with black shiny liquid, you will find them all in a Dhinchak's ride. If you appreciate Indian kitsch, hitch a ride.
5. The Asshole: This is the worst of the specie. They take personal pleasure in making the ride a hellish experience for the passenger. They tamper with the meters, making them run at a speed of Rs. 5 per second. They letch at the female passengers, stop in the middle of the road to talk on their cellphones, spit all over Bombay, deliberately drive over pot holes to make the ride extra bumpy, fake a tyre puncture if they don't want to ply beyond a certain point...I can go on and on! These leeches think they can get away with anything, and 90% of the time, they do. If you get the slightest indication that the auto driver belongs to the Asshole category, leave immediately or get ready for a back breaking ride, where you will be cheated off of your hard earned money.
6. The Millionaire: This parasitic specie makes its presence felt in all the auto drivers categories. These are a super rich specie...they are even richer than the Tatas and the Ambanis! They feel like they people of Bombay rely completely on their services. But they are so rich, they don't even bother. Auto driving is a hobby for them, a mere sport. That's why they blatantly refuse passengers who ask them to go to a certain location. Even if they fall on their feet and beg the specie to allow them a ride, they will just raise their noses high and speed off. On a good day, if they feel like it, they tauntingly agree to ply the passenger. You should consider yourself super lucky if the Millionaire allows you a ride.
7. The Honest One: Rarest of the rare! The chances of getting into an auto driven by the Honest one are one in a billion. They don't tamper with the meters, so you don't end up paying exorbitant rates. They drive at a normal pace, follow traffic rules, don't talk much, and help you with loading luggage, if need be. The chances of finding the Honest One are rare, since it's an endangered specie. Slowly, the other six species of auto drivers are luring the Honest One to join the dark side. In the rare occasion you do land up in an Honest One's ride, please thank your lucky stars you got to see one before they disappear completely.

So there you go kids. Today you learnt about the seven species of auto drivers.

Tomorrow, how to eat daal-chawal at your office desk without making a mess.

Cheers!

Hala Mala Mukashi

Oye Oye..oye oye..oye ooh owaaa

I'm sick and tired of hearing how Australia is such a racist country. Think about it people. If a country whose ancestors were British convicts wont be racist, then who will?

Ok now to all mah Indian home dawgs. Let me give you a wake-up call. India is the most racist, sexist, religion-ist(?) country ever. You want proof? Go switch on your television/head to the nearest multiplex, and watch a Bollywood movie. Let me illustrate this point with a few examples.

In Bollywood movies, if you are:

A. Black:
1. You will have an afro.
2. You will wear a ridiculous bull ring around your nostrils.
3. You will almost always emerge from a jungle wearing leopard skin and carrying primitive weapons.
4. You will not know how to speak in English. You will either make monkey sounds (oye oye..oye ohh owaaa) or some unkown language like "Hala Mala Mukashi"
5. If you are a woman, you will almost always be fat, will have an afro, and will be referred to as "kaali saandh" (black bull)
6. You will mostly have a janatorial job, and will try to get fresh with the heroine of the movie, unsuccesfully.
Exception to the case: The black man in the movie 'Fashion' who actually got to sleep with Priyanka Chopra. Score!!

B. White:
1. You will always be blond.
2. You will always be in a group of 2-3.
3. Whenever you encounter a girl (i.e. our virginal beauty of the movie) you will always say your favorite dialogue "Yeah baby, come here."
4. You're always drinking whiskey.
5. You will try to get with our heroine, but her screams of "bachaooooo!" will ring in our hero's ears. And trust me, you don't want to mess with them. One man army, after all!
6. In any business meeting, there will be about 6 of you, and even if the protagonist is speaking in Hindi, you will nod your heads appreciatively, like you understand everything.
7. If you're a woman, you're almost always a prostitue and you will writh around our hero in ecstasy.
Exception to the case: The white man alongside Aamir Khan in 'Mangal Pandey'. Dude he mud wrestled! :O

C. East Asian:
1. You will all wear kimonos.
2. You will all have extra squinty eyes.
3. You will bow in respect incessantly.
4. You will have ridiculously long and wispy eyebrows and a goatee.
5. You will all be experts in judo/karate/taekwondo.
6. When you enter the scene, there will be a loud 'gong' sound.
Exceptions to the case: The east asian who played the baddie in 'Chandni Chowk to China'. He had none of these qualities! Total badass. Also the guy who played Deepika's dad in the movie...He spoke Hindi! :O

D. South Indian:
1. You will all be dressed in crisp half-sleeved white shirts and a white lungi.
2. You will always begin your dialogues with "Aaiyoo!"
3. You will have copious amounts of chandan on your forehead.
4. You will have typical South Indian music playing whenever you enter the scene.
5. You will constantly shake your head like a bobble head doll.
6. You will, of course, be dark skinned.
7. If you are a woman, you will wear only kanjivaram, and wear long mogra garlands on your hair.

E. North Indian:
1. You will have a thick Punjabi accent, and if you're a Sardar, your dialogues will begin with "Oye!"
2. Your dialogues will end with "Oye" too. "Oye Kuljeet Oye!"
3. You will always be attending some/will have a lavish wedding.
4. Your surnames will always be Kapoor, Oberoi or Sharma.
5. You will be the richest person around, and wont touch anything that isn't Hilfiger or Calvin Klien.
6. You will be the whitest person in the movie. Even whiter than the white girls who dance behind you in a zillion songs.
7. You don't live in India. It's either America or Australia.
Exception to the case: Shah Rukh Khan, who has played Raj in almost all his movies. He isn't white.

F. East Indian:
1. You will have thick oiled hair, parted in the middle.
2. You will wear thick bottle glasses.
3. You will wear a white kurta with a white lungi, which is almost always falling down.
4. You will always be chewing paan.
5. Your dialogues will always begin with "Oodi baba!"
6. You will be exceptionally stupid and brain dead.

G. Indian Christian:
1. Your name will always be Mary or Albert/Michael. Surname? Pinto/Gonsalves.
2. Men will always wear shorts and a Hawaiin shirt. They will always have a bottle of beer/desi daru with them.
3. Women will wear ridiculously ugly dresses, and will constantly say "Oh Jesus!"
4. You can't speak Hindi at all. "Hum tumhare waste pray karega. Tumko feekar karne ka zaroorat nahi hai." You will also end all your dialogues with "Man"..."What man?!"
5. They're always ready for a party.
6. Christian women are the easiest target for lusty males, after all, they have such loose morals.
7. Christian women are almost always pregnant.

To be continued...

P.S. This post is not meant to offend any person. Only the idiots who make such movies and create such stereotypes!

Hear ye! Hear ye!

This message goes out to all the mama's boys throughout the globe.

Do us ladies a favor, and please, for the love of God, and your mamas..do not, I repeat, NOT fall in love, or get into a relationship.

I love you, but I love mommy more!

Here are six valid reasons why you shouldn't fall in love:

1. Your mom hates us, no matter how nice we are.
2. She wants you to marry a girl of her choice.
3. She would prefer you to be single forever.
4. If you don't do well in your studies, or are lagging in your career, she will blame us.
5. She believes we love you for your "wealth".
6. If you had to choose, you will obviously pick your mamas over us.

So once again, don't go against your mama's wishes, and please remain single forever. You're wasting your time, our time, and God knows what else. Wait till you're 30 and your mom marries you off to some soni kudi (whom she will hate too, cause eventually she took her son away from her).

I'm done.

Bring on the bad boys!