Wednesday, 1 July, 2009

Hala Mala Mukashi

Oye Oye..oye oye..oye ooh owaaa

I'm sick and tired of hearing how Australia is such a racist country. Think about it people. If a country whose ancestors were British convicts wont be racist, then who will?

Ok now to all mah Indian home dawgs. Let me give you a wake-up call. India is the most racist, sexist, religion-ist(?) country ever. You want proof? Go switch on your television/head to the nearest multiplex, and watch a Bollywood movie. Let me illustrate this point with a few examples.

In Bollywood movies, if you are:

A. Black:
1. You will have an afro.
2. You will wear a ridiculous bull ring around your nostrils.
3. You will almost always emerge from a jungle wearing leopard skin and carrying primitive weapons.
4. You will not know how to speak in English. You will either make monkey sounds (oye oye..oye ohh owaaa) or some unkown language like "Hala Mala Mukashi"
5. If you are a woman, you will almost always be fat, will have an afro, and will be referred to as "kaali saandh" (black bull)
6. You will mostly have a janatorial job, and will try to get fresh with the heroine of the movie, unsuccesfully.
Exception to the case: The black man in the movie 'Fashion' who actually got to sleep with Priyanka Chopra. Score!!

B. White:
1. You will always be blond.
2. You will always be in a group of 2-3.
3. Whenever you encounter a girl (i.e. our virginal beauty of the movie) you will always say your favorite dialogue "Yeah baby, come here."
4. You're always drinking whiskey.
5. You will try to get with our heroine, but her screams of "bachaooooo!" will ring in our hero's ears. And trust me, you don't want to mess with them. One man army, after all!
6. In any business meeting, there will be about 6 of you, and even if the protagonist is speaking in Hindi, you will nod your heads appreciatively, like you understand everything.
7. If you're a woman, you're almost always a prostitue and you will writh around our hero in ecstasy.
Exception to the case: The white man alongside Aamir Khan in 'Mangal Pandey'. Dude he mud wrestled! :O

C. East Asian:
1. You will all wear kimonos.
2. You will all have extra squinty eyes.
3. You will bow in respect incessantly.
4. You will have ridiculously long and wispy eyebrows and a goatee.
5. You will all be experts in judo/karate/taekwondo.
6. When you enter the scene, there will be a loud 'gong' sound.
Exceptions to the case: The east asian who played the baddie in 'Chandni Chowk to China'. He had none of these qualities! Total badass. Also the guy who played Deepika's dad in the movie...He spoke Hindi! :O

D. South Indian:
1. You will all be dressed in crisp half-sleeved white shirts and a white lungi.
2. You will always begin your dialogues with "Aaiyoo!"
3. You will have copious amounts of chandan on your forehead.
4. You will have typical South Indian music playing whenever you enter the scene.
5. You will constantly shake your head like a bobble head doll.
6. You will, of course, be dark skinned.
7. If you are a woman, you will wear only kanjivaram, and wear long mogra garlands on your hair.

E. North Indian:
1. You will have a thick Punjabi accent, and if you're a Sardar, your dialogues will begin with "Oye!"
2. Your dialogues will end with "Oye" too. "Oye Kuljeet Oye!"
3. You will always be attending some/will have a lavish wedding.
4. Your surnames will always be Kapoor, Oberoi or Sharma.
5. You will be the richest person around, and wont touch anything that isn't Hilfiger or Calvin Klien.
6. You will be the whitest person in the movie. Even whiter than the white girls who dance behind you in a zillion songs.
7. You don't live in India. It's either America or Australia.
Exception to the case: Shah Rukh Khan, who has played Raj in almost all his movies. He isn't white.

F. East Indian:
1. You will have thick oiled hair, parted in the middle.
2. You will wear thick bottle glasses.
3. You will wear a white kurta with a white lungi, which is almost always falling down.
4. You will always be chewing paan.
5. Your dialogues will always begin with "Oodi baba!"
6. You will be exceptionally stupid and brain dead.

G. Indian Christian:
1. Your name will always be Mary or Albert/Michael. Surname? Pinto/Gonsalves.
2. Men will always wear shorts and a Hawaiin shirt. They will always have a bottle of beer/desi daru with them.
3. Women will wear ridiculously ugly dresses, and will constantly say "Oh Jesus!"
4. You can't speak Hindi at all. "Hum tumhare waste pray karega. Tumko feekar karne ka zaroorat nahi hai." You will also end all your dialogues with "Man"..."What man?!"
5. They're always ready for a party.
6. Christian women are the easiest target for lusty males, after all, they have such loose morals.
7. Christian women are almost always pregnant.

To be continued...

P.S. This post is not meant to offend any person. Only the idiots who make such movies and create such stereotypes!


pink imp said...


Well written my friend!! Totally totally hit the nail!! :-)

Tumhare waste hum God TV dekega aur jesus se pray karega. Kuch fikar nahi karneka man.

Nikki said...

It is so totally true. Our vision is so disillusioned with these nonsensical notions!


Meghana Naidu said...

HA! im laughing my ass off, and hey-oh-oh-hey you have a name!

i like iggy better
So MAYBE you can attribute it to the typical anglicised nickname frenzy infesting our country, right from the 1950's pinky-dolly to today's iggy ;)

*totally snort worthy*

As the Mind Meanders said...

Got here through Nikki's blog and I am happy. This is the best thing I have read this morning.

And I agree. We do colour discriminate. Where else would one find "Fair and Lovely"...

And sleeping with a black man in Fashion was the directors warped idea to communicate that Priyanka had reached her lowest ebb... go figure...

And yes. I liked the "bully" post too... cheers... keep writing...

Dream3er said...

i love!! damn funny yaaa!!! and so true

Rahul... in City of Dreamz said...

:) ha ha ha!!

I am wondering how do u guys even notice all such stuff!

bluebird said...

overheard in conversation: The Aussies are the ultimate levellers. They treat Indians, Chinese, Blacks and hispanics equally bad. You cant accuse them of giving it to the Indians. In fact they give it to anyone who is not white.


Pesto Sauce said...

Very deep analysis that

blunt edges said...

lol...dunno if it was intended 2 be phunny...but d stereotypes just made me guffaw :D


P WOman arrives said...

very nice post! best of the bunch!!

Yogesh said...

very very interesting...
cool stuff...and true too....

keep them coming..

tke cre
b well..

Manju said...

this is SO true and extremely funny...loved your post

dusky hues said...

Bollywood films are not just stereotypical, they are obsessed with fairness (no pun intended). Most dusky starlets are painted beyond recognition to appear 'gori gori'. most bollywood numbers relate beauty to fairness. you have a trillion songs on how the heroine has 'gora mukhda''gora badan' 'gori baiyyan' and all while just a handful addressed to 'sawli saloni'or 'sawli si ek ladki'...

i completely agree we lead the gand where racist/sexist/religionist behaviour is concerned.

Sandip Kumar said...

bwahahahahah.. hillllarious